June 21 2020
Dear Mr. President,
What a lovely weekend here in Michigan. While we are not eating in restaurants, even though many have tables outside and the streets are blocked off from cars, instead we are doing a great job of cooking at home. I love sharing recipes so if you have any good ones (that are not unkosher), let me know, and I will try and make them. Last night we had a socially distant birthday celebration for our daughter. Our son-in-law grilled Impossible Burgers and we had salad and spanakopita with strawberry rhubarb pie for dessert. Yum.
I read that you didn’t have the best weekend. How sad. You were expecting a lot more people at the party/rally and they didn’t show up. It’s kind of embarrassing, isn’t it? Both you and VPPence had speeches cancelled at what would have been an “overflow” place due to just a dozen or so people waiting there. It rained and you had to hold your own umbrella and even the indoor arena/Petri dish was at least 1/3 empty. The official count was just over 6,000 of the 19,000 seats, and the Campaign was planning for 3,000 more to sit in the floor (in seats, I think) ugh. There are videos of people in the seats playing with their phones and YAWNING!!!! Seriously, YAWNING!. You tried and tried to rile them up but the act needs a bit of a tune up. In addition, no excitement to speak of outside either. No demonstrators or interactions with security folks. Boring! Sad!
Today I heard and read some of what you said last night and I have a new idea, well, actually, it’s an old idea that I wrote to you about some weeks ago. After the presidency you are going to need a new hobby and I suggested sales, golf pro and probably some other things, I don’t remember…. but, I see potential for Stand Up Comedian. You had some great lines last night that were hilarious. For example, you talked (again) about the “great” tests for the virus but you’ve asked your people to stop them because “when you test, you get positive results”. Too funny, (except for the illness and death part). Then you said some super funny things about Joe and how he is the racist. Again, funny but maybe too weird as a lot of people didn’t get the joke.
My favorite was the story you told about the ramp at West Point. You said, “So last week they called me and they said, “Sir, West Point, West Point, We’re ready.” Then you said “Oh, that’s right, I have to make the commencement speech at West Point”. I was cracking up. It was like you didn’t remember that there was a speech and it was on your calendar, or phone, or Twitter account. Then you talked about what you saw on a tour and a 3 block walk down the street and some speeches that others made and one you made and then…..”The sun is pouring down on me, okay?” So funny, you knew that the event was outside and you didn’t check the weather report first? You went on to say you were on the stage for HOURS! and you came home with a “nice tan, meaning a nice sunburn”. The story goes on and on and on. It’s a good story but you need to shorten it quite a bit because the important thing is the ramp. Remember?
You told the General you were with that you had a problem. You had just “saluted almost 600 times (quite a workout for a guy in a suit) and I’m being baked. I’m being baked like a cake.” (I laughed out loud at that line, keep it in the act). Then you said you had a choice- “stay on the stage another couple of hours and wait to be rescued, or go down this really steep, really, really, really -it’s an ice skating rink”. I’m now laughing and tears are coming down my cheeks. The problem was your shoes. The General had shoes “loaded with rubber on the bottom”. Oy!! you were so afraid the press and the cadets would see you slide right down the ramp on your a..(bottom, bum, tushy).
The story last night went on for about 15 minute, but it’s a good one. You can refresh your memory by checking out the story on line. Slate Magazine has the entirety that includes what your wife told you. It has to do with your expensive silk tie and the glass of water.
So, work on your act. Shorten some of the stories. Look for some fresh material, not the old stuff from 4 years ago. Maybe you will have a better crowd at the next show. Don’t bore us Mr. President.