November 7, 2020
Dear Mr. President,
I hope you are able to read this letter even if your eyes are bloodshot from crying. People are partying, dancing in the streets, banging pots and pans and honking horns and full of joy. But there is no joy in Mudville tonight, is there? How sad for you and your supporters. When the pundits on tv ask “What now?”, I know your answer is “I’m going to fight this fake news”. Don Jr., a devoted son the likes no one has ever seen, maybe the most devoted son EVER, pleads for you to go to “total war”. Your top- notch lawyer, Rudy, continues to sound like, well, like Rudy. Your former advisor, and possible future cellmate, Steve Bannon, seems to have lost his own head.
Look, a loss like this is going to take some time to sink in. Surely you have had tough situations to deal with before now. I’ve sent a number of ideas about how to cope with stress and anxiety and you must have some ideas of your own. I certainly hope Melania and Jarrod and Ivanka are there for you. Use a punching bag or pillow to help with your anger, don’t hit or throw anything at them. Everyone knows this is super hard for you and everyone knows that you have to do some things you don’t want to do for the sake of the country. You should do them tomorrow, but it will be okay if you wait until Monday night. I’ve added a congratulatory phone call to President Elect Biden to your homework assignment. If you do not complete this assignment, you may be sent to the Principal’s Office or to Mitch McConnell’s, or worse. He and the assistant principals may come to your office to see you. Remember when Barry Goldwater and a group of senators came to see Nixon?
Get some sleep tonight. Here’s a song that can help you relax. Cross your arms and hold the crossed arms of your family while standing in a circle. Sing Taps. “Day is done, gone the sun, from the lake, from the hills, from the sky. All is well, safely rest, G-d is nigh.