December 14, 2020
Dear Ivanka,
I apologize for calling you by your first name, but I didn’t know if you go by Ms. Trump or by Mrs. Kushner or maybe, Mrs. Trump-Kushner. Which do you prefer? Actually, this entire letter is a bit chutzpadik (nervy) but my questions for you are questions lots of people are asking.
The first and most important question is do you light wax candles or oil wicks? This is followed closely by what colors of candles do you use and does everyone in your household light a separate menorah or do you have one for the entire family? Another burning question is what is your preferred topping for latkes-applesauce or sour cream? This is the perennial question that was recently debated by a panel of experts on a Moment Magazine Zoom. Did you know that there were other experts debating that ketchup (!!!!!) should be the topping? Another promoted hot sauce and there was also a case made for a combination of applesauce and sour cream called “applecream”. The presenters used Talmudic reasoning along with quotes from Torah and legal reasoning from American and Halachic (Jewish Law) jurisprudence to argue their cases. Then, just as American citizens did in the recent election, we voted. Guess who won? Applesauce, of course! Although, the argument for ketchup was so good that I voted for it while I used all the apples in the house to make applesauce for our latkes. Go figure peoples’ deeply held opinions.
Are you willing to answer the burning question of where your family will live? Chabad schools are in many places, as well as on- line, so that shouldn’t limit your ability to chose a home. Of course, if you move to one of the Trump golf courses, it might be a problem of walking to shul unless you have one built on the property or close to it. Another consideration might be where you could live near other Republicans. I don’t think you will move to Idaho or even Ohio, or Alabama, but maybe you just want a fresh start somewhere that people will not be too interested in what you are doing or wearing. You don’t need fancy stores near-by as you could just order from your regular places. I’m not trying to be snarky but I think you will need the vibe from a big city with lots of cultural institutions and restaurants so you might spend the next week lobbying hard for a relief package from the Congress to support working people, small businesses and the Arts.
My last question is how will you help your father? You might have to work hard to support him in his old age.
Dear Mr. President 